Can someone please help me with this?

Can someone please help me with this?

Postby chisulo » Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:22 pm

Can someone please read over and help me with my story. It is for my tenth grade honors literature class, and it is supposed to be Edgar Allan Poe-esque, but I am horrible at writing these kinds of stories. Could you please read it and give me some in depth ways that I can make it better. Story:

It all began one dark and dreary Halloween night in The Savannah River harbor. Several hundred guests were gathered around getting ready to board The Savannah Riverboat. The sky was a dull, lifeless black, and the stars had disappeared for the night. The boat looked desolate, like it had not been inhabited for years, and was dreadfully inhospitable. Everyone had come for a Halloween party that they had been invited to by the captain of the boat. No one had any idea why they were invited, and no one knew who the captain was, but they all were very curious to see what he had in store for them, since the invitation regarded them as his guests of honor. The guests were dressed in the finest costumes one could have; their faces all covered by masks. There were people dressed as peacocks, horses, birds, princesses, princes, fairytale creatures, and many others; all gathered together to experience what they thought was going to be the night of their dreams. What they did not know was that there were many things never expected in store for them throughout the ghastly Halloween evening.
As everyone entered the boat they began conversating, dancing, and eating. There was a sea of food surrounding the area of the party that the guests could choose from. All of the guests were highly impressed with all of the decorations and cuisine that was being offered to them. All of the guests flittered around the room talking to each other like bees collecting pollen from flowers. Everyone kept themselves entertained by trying to guess who the captain was, and when he was going to make his appearance. Men were drinking at the nearby bar, and talking about their golf game during the day, and women were gossiping together at the tables. As everyone was concentrating on their conversations and dancing, no one noticed that there was a black figure swarming around the room stopping every once in a while at a certain person.
As the party continued, everyone wondered when the captain was going to make his appearance. At that time, the boat’s horn sounded, and the lights in the boat went off. Everyone became silent, and all movement ceased. When the lights came back on the guests realized that there were people missing from the boat. Each person thought to themselves that they must be imaging things, so they went back to the party. After about thirty minutes had passed, the horn sounded again, and the lights in turn shut off. This time, a sudden scream, that sounded as if it were from a woman, sounded in the boat directly before the lights came on. All of the people suddenly started panicking and ran around the boat franticly trying to figure out what had happened. Suddenly everyone did not want to be at the party that they had looked forward to for so long. People began to jump off of the side of the boat, which possessed all of the bodies of the people that had disappeared after the first horn blew. The water was saturated in blood, and had already gotten contaminated from all of the dead bodies being in it. Everyone in the water began to slowly die from being in the water with all of the dead cadavers. As everyone looked up they saw the captain of the boat take off his black clothing and black mask and look down upon them. At that point they realized that the captain was in fact a homeless man named Kane Altridge that each of them had insulted , or had been malicious to in the past. He had dealt with all of their insults for years, and finally had gotten revenge on all of them. The last horn rang, and the boat sank to the bottom of the river. The bodies and the boat were never bothered with again.
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Can someone please help me with this?

Postby aiekin60 » Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:26 pm

honestly i skipped to the last paragraph, but that was very creepy.
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